Wednesday, October 20, 2010

To all the kids

Having been a suicidal teenager over guilt with my emerging sexuality, the focus as of late has really brought a lot of shit back. Obviously, not only for me, but for a lot of people. I remember always having a plan to either run away as far as I could or else making a trip to the medicine cabinet in case my parents ever found out. Well they did find out when I was 16 and found a stack of printed out gay porn images that I got from my sister's internet connection earlier that summer. After having to burn them, and a confrontation where I basically told my mom that I would knock her fucking lights out if she didn't get out of my way and let me shut myself up in my room, I set my alarm for 3am so I could decide which one I was going to pursue. The alarm never went off and my Dad woke me up the next morning for school, and nothing was talked about again for the next 3 years. But I knew one your fucking step.

Teenage suicide has always been an epidemic of its own, although its ungodly with gay youth. I'm glad that its reached the point where it is as visable now, rather than just burying your kid because he was "too sad". But there are so many misunderstood kids out there, who are not gay, that drive themselves to take this drastic act for the same reason gay kids do. They're different. God forbid any kid can be different without being labeled as something negative.
Growm ups in general, gays included, forget what its really like to have this type of torment. Probably all because we are in a place that we all choose to be at this point. When you're growing up, there is no choice, you're stuck with where you're at. Just like people from 3rd world countries would give a nut to live in a place like Omaha, so do many kids that would like to get out of their torment but have no where to go.

Parents are wrong, religeon is wrong, teachers don't get paid enough to be right, so where the hell does that leave a kid who doesn't fit in? Alone. Are there more resources now than ever before, yes. But when a person can't reach out to a person of youth for fear of being labeled a sexual predator, those resources are as good as a screen name in a chatroom. One your parents can find out about or block all together. Its a sad day for kids when the resouces are there, but they can't be used as they are intended for.

Does it get better, absolutely. But when you're living a 4 year jail sentance that is high school, things can get pretty fucking drastic. If ever there was a time for the "moral majority" to get straight, its now. That is why these kids are dying. Their parents are too busy condemning them without any clue.

Change is in the air, and my fingers are crossed. God bless all the youth that get to this point that are never ever heard about. Happens every day, and its friggin sickening.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

tick, tick, tick

I saw my folks today, along with my sister and her family. Was a good afternoon, especially the fact that I was invited into my sister's home after almost a year of tension between us. All is over when it comes to all of that, and we can get along and talk and laugh kind of like we always have.

My Grandpa passed away two weeks ago, and we've all seen each other for the funeral. Life is calming down for my Mom, which was one of my major concerns. Me and my sister mending a rift is helping, I'm sure. And getting together on my neice's birthday was a nice change of pace for everyone since we got together under a fun circumstance.

My mom took me aside for a minute saying she had something for me as she pulled out her purse. I rolled my eyes, expecting that she was going to give me an early birthday presant to her cash strapped son, ready to oppose and refuse. Instead she pulled out a watch that my grandpa used to wear, as well as a ring that he made himself and wore. Kept my shit together, allowed my eyes to water up a bit, and gladly accepted.

I put them both on tonight and wonder how they looked on him. The watch is pretty generic, but it might as well be a Rollex to me, I don't even want to change the band on it. The ring is another story. I think its very beautiful, masculine, and the fact that he cut and shapped the stone (its literally a stone that he buffed down and cut) it means a lot.

I didn't go see Grandpa in the last year he was alive. Everyone in the world said that we might as well be the same person (save for the sexuality bit) and I don't feel bad for not being one of the last people to be around him. If we were so alike, I wouldn't want anyone around me, let alone all the people that were. I have no regrets there. I know its cool. But my momentos are priceless and I'm greatfull that I have them as reminders of part of him.

Take care G-pa, make sure I don't lose this stuff or ill never forgive myself, lol.