Wednesday, December 30, 2009

New Years Resolutions

Go back to San Fran for a week.
Work as little as possible.
Dance, a fuckin' lot.
Buy a ibook.
Set up the ultimate bachelor pad.
Cook like a maniac.
Get back into my art.
Read a lot.
Have respect for myself.
Learn how to tell people "NO".
Find a new band/artists to adore.
Sighn up for softball.
Have a handfull of illicit encounters.
Do more comunity work.
Think about re-approaching school.
Learn to be comfortable in my own skin.
Not have a boyfriend.
Sleep comfortably.
Be a sweet boy.
Save a little nest egg.

Can't believe we're onto a new decade already. I think 10 years back and remember being ready to graduate from high school, getting drunk at a NYE party some unkown kid was having. This was the year of the whole Y2K thing and everybody was so anxious to see if the world was going to end because of the computer systems freaking out. Now, by the time it hits midnight in Nebraska, obviously the other parts of the world that are ahead of us ended up being fine. But that didn't stop one of my farm kid friends from messing with the fuse box at midnight shutting off all the lights at this lame ass teenage drinking party. I don't know why I remember that NYE more so than any of the others, I just remember having had a really fun time.

Oh and the really good bitch fight that broke out when this drunk girl kept playing the same Limp Bizkit song over and over again until it freaked the freak out of another drunk bitch.....that was cool.

This year, I'm going solo. Gonna prowl Dc's and see if I can't bag me a roughneck. Wish me luck.

Happy New Year guys.


Well, I took the EX into detox yesterday.

Extremely happy that it's finally happened. Emotionally drained as to how.

For the last two days I've been told that Ex lost his job (he stopped showing up), Ex is committing himself (to a rehab facility that would never be approved by his insurance), Ex has called the Humane Society to come pick up the dog (the dog is now in my apartment), and that I was being barred from the house and the things that I have left in it (landlord will let me in anytime to gather the rest of my belongings).

He never intended to go away, but go away he did. His Parole Officer stopped by the house yesterday, I don't know if someone called or if it was a random check up since he was not at work. Either way, he was intoxicated, which is a no-no for his parole. I got a call at work at about a quarter to 3 asking to come take him in so he wouldn't have to go in a cop car. I left work, not because I was afraid of him being embarassed being cuffed and escorted, but to say good bye.

I took him in, he cried the whole way, I held his hand. He kept on saying please not to leave him, that I was all he had. I didn't shed a tear, I just kept looking forward as we drove. The one time I looked over at him, all I saw was a shell of someone that I used to know, face wet and stubbled. He gave me 20 bucks to get him cigarettes. I walked him in and the police took him away. I turned around and couldn't help but look back once.

Went back to the house, got the dog and some belongings I've been wanting to bring with. I called his family, his brother stopped by. I thought I was going to get beat up for doing something wrong, but we just talked for a while and shook hands before walking out the door. His brother's been in this position, his brother spent a year inside for it.

I'm past the point of blaming myself for things. A fuck up is going to fuck up, there's no way around it. I've got a dog to get rid of and two kids that I don't know I'll see anymore. I feel weak in the fact that I knew this was coming and I didn't leave it all alone when I should have. There were so many special things wrapped in this ridiculous relationship that I somehow couldn't make that decision. I knew if I stuck it out, the decision would be made for me, and it was.

Now's a time for some rest and mourn just a little. And to realize that this is what can happen when you play house with someone else's family.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

It's heeeeeeeeere.

Well, It's here y'alls. Santa's coming tonight, so I guess we'll all be seeing who's been naughty and who's been nice.

After my last little bitch session on here, my Christmas was kind of up in the air, and I was extremely unhappy about it. But, like many times in my life, I have to remind myself that life is what we make it, and there's no reason to get hung up on a damn thing when there are so many fun options for a person to chose. Wallowing in self pitty makes you look like an asshole and alienates you from people.

Decided that I was being too negative and was hanging around too much negativity. Also decided that I was to scrap all Christmas options that I had been GIVEN, and make up my own. I'm an adult, it's time to start some of my own traditions.

BUT! A few things will always remain, mainly:


Chipminks on Vinyl!

A Full Stomach

Adding to the mix this year:

Christmas Eve and Christmas Morning church services: We all have our own beliefs, I count on mine to get me through and keep my ass in line with what I really need to be doing with my life. I'm lucky that I have a really nice church family that doesn't judge me for anything and never makes me feel weird like some church folk can. I have a roost of mother hens there that always make me feel protected, loved and appreciated. Can't imagine not spending time with that "family" this Christmas.

Gremlins: Somehow this movie always escapes me this time of year even though it's very much a Christmas Movie. Plus there's snippets of "It's a Wonderful Life" in it, so you can get the Cliffsnotes version of it that way.

Friends: I've neglected all of my friends as of late due to "being so busy", and letting a few other people or things get in the way. I'm going to reconnect and quit being such a hermit. I miss my friends dearly and am thankfull that they still want anything to do with me with my past behaviors ;-)Plus it helps that the weather pattern here in Omaha is stranding most of us, so there will be more of us around than usual.

Dinner: Planing and Making my own Christmas dinner for the first time ever. I very much want it to be perfect. And as far as your going to know, it's a culinary masterpeice as I'm going to be making it for One, me. I think a little time alone to reflect is in order for this holiday as well, but not too long. I've got people I want to celebrate with.

So anyhow, hope everyone enjoys themselves and finds a peice of the bigger picture in their time with their loved ones.

Love you guys! Merry Christmas

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

It's fucking cold out here......