Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Have a very very very merry Christmas, and a happy happy happy holiday!!


Well, it's that dreaded and much loved time of year again. Hoping everyone does and gets just what they want this year.

Tonight is good ole' Christmas Eve. To me, Christmas Eve is the weirdest God damn day on the calendar. I think it's because it drives everyone up the fucking wall knowing that the "Day of all Days" is in a few short hours. And some people, no matter how many months in advance they have planned, the one thing that they forgot/didn't have time to do, just totally ruins everything for them. My mother and partner included.

Another reason why I think it's weird, is that for as much of a traditional Holiday it is, I have never had a similar Christmas Eve in my life. Just within the last few years I can think of where I have spent Christmas Eve working, Driving in the car to get to my parents, laying on the living room floor watching blacksploitation movies, in the hospital after getting beat up, drunk in the bar, etc. etc. This year it looks like I will be rather busy. Gonna take the kids to children's service at gay church at 6, go to brother in law's house for the other half's Christmas, go back to gay church at 8 to be in a Christmas play, and go back to brother in law's to get drunk and play pool. Tentatively.

Busy night, just to have it all over with in 10 minutes tomorrow when the kids ravage their gifts. Will it be worth it all? Probably not, but it will be fun in bits and pieces. Although I could go all Divine like in John Water's "Female Trouble" where she throws the Christmas Tree on her mother screaming "Fuck you! Fuck you! I Hate You! You're Horrible People!"

Merry Christmas, hookers....

P.S. Nice girls don't wear Cha-Cha Heels!

Halloween 2

Well, it's official. After a year of bitching and moaning about how hard and horrible it was to direct the re-make of Halloween and vowing not to come back to do a sequel, the Weinsteins have green-lit "Halloween Dos" helmed by non-other than, Rob the fraggin' Zombie.

H2, in my oppinion will probably be a lot better than the remake. Sounds like it's going to be a whole new story line, rather than a remake of Halloween 2. It will have characters from the original, Dr. Loomis and Laurie Strode, but will not take place at the hospital like the original sequel. It will, however, continue exactly where the re-make left off, which makes me very happy. What makes me a little nervouse is that they start filming in March and already plan on releasing the movie in October of 2009. As far as I knew, a script was yet to be written. Uh-Oh.

The image below is a teaser, not unlike many of the little teasers that Zombie always leaks in advance before any of his movies have been completed to give you a little taste of what's to come. Here's the first of, I'm sure, many teasers:

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Party Time

K, so I'm either too stupid or too lazy to figure out how to add my totally awesomest music playlist onto my post here, so here's the link that you can copy and paste.....think you can handle it? Good deal, Sunshine!

This is my saving grace at work, all of my deliciously faggy songs that pull me up by my bootstraps and help me through. Take a listen, would you? As I love to push my musical tastes off on everyone, can you tell I used to DJ? I realize that the list is quite long, so let me just point you towards a few gems that are particularly favorites of mine.

Spankox-To the club

I used to play this constantly about 4 years ago, my roomate wanted to effing kill me.

Rihanna-Take a Bow (unkown remix)

I have a hard time deciding if I like the original version or the remix more.

Leanne Rimes-Tick Tock (Thunderpuss remix)

This remix is so generically GAY, but I think that's why I love it.

Lost Witness-7 Colours

A song about rainbows, what the hell isn't to like?

Towa Tei feat Kylie Minogue- G.B.I (German Bold Itallic)

Probably the weirdest song she's ever been a part of, but very very cool. When I'm alone I try vogueing to it......terribly.

Take a quick listen, and heck, if you get time, send me your playlists. I love snooping around in other people's tastes.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Kill Kill Kill Die Die Die

Hells F-ing Yes. Michael and Leatherface have been reinvented, Jason is getting his turn, and next up we'll be getting a new Freddy. I'd rather have them start the franchise over than to continue with shitty sequels. My horror movie boner is engorged! YAY!

Monday, December 1, 2008


So, I went home to my folks for Thanksgiving this weekend and got roped into going to church with them. Now, I go to church almost every Sunday, I honestly do, but my parents' church is so fucked up it's crazy.

I walked out of their church having learned that Jim Morrison and Janis JAPLIN (Yes, he said Japlan) are burning in hell and died so soon because of that pesky rock and roll music.


Gays, Jews, Catholics, Muslums, Hindus, etc. etc. etc. are banding together to create a super religeon and we are going to throw Evangelicals into concentration camps..........


Here's the deal, it got me thinking, how awesome would a concentration camp be for people like this fucking whack job? First, I'd give him an abortion, then I'd dress him in drag, then I'd make him suck on a big fat cock..........who wants to help me make my realization possible

Friday, November 14, 2008

Best Week Ever! in the course of the last week 1.) My car broke down 2.)I got the humaine society called on me 3.) I found out I'm being sued.

1.) Car

If anyone has a Cavalier....the fuel pump goes out around 75,000 miles. Especially if you drive it almost all the way out of fuel. Lesson learned $600 bucks later. And on the very same week I had to make my house payment!

Leading me to give the bank of Mom and Dad a call to see if they could help bail me out. I love being an adult!

2.) The Humaine Society.

Aparently it's inhumaine to let your dog stay outside on nice days on his leash for 4 hours at a time, with ample food and water, shelter-that being the garage he can go into, and a big comfy dog bed. It's better to have him locked in the laundry room were he can't pee or poop, get fresh air, lay in the sun, and play in the grass. Lesson learned again. Now I know that Omaha's new leash law is that a dog can only be tied up for 15 minutes at a time. There you go Capone! Knowledge is power!

3.) Getting sued....

Not really going to go into this one but if there is one thing that I have remembered from a queen and took with me it's, "You are nobody until you've been sued." Well ya'll, I'm finally somebody.

Despite it all, there's no way in hell anyone or thing can take this smile off my face. My wallet might be empty, my kids' Christmas might be a little shitty, but fuck anyone if you think you can really take anything away from me.

Rant Over....

BTW, the other half's entire family is coming over tomorrow for early Thanksgiving. And when I say entire family I'm talking brothers, sisters, kids, spouses, step-kids, ex-spouses, aunts, uncles and cousins. Looking at 40+ people as of right now. BUT, I am ready...........

Expect a story next week.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Halloween (one fucking week later)

Thats for sticking your dick in the pumpkin!

So, my favorite day of the year, Halloween, was last Friday. Yeah, I realize I should have blogged about this a week ago, but much as it pains me to say it, I'm Halloweened out. I guess it doesn't help when you start decorating your house like a ridiculous faggot for halloween one week before October begins, but alas.

Decorations were rocking though, pumpkins carved, ghosts hanging, monsters strapped to the trees in the front yard, a Michael Myers dummy sitting on the bench on the front porch with a strobe light on him. We got a TON of trick or treaters that went through 7 lbs. of candy. This being the first year in the house where we're at now, we didn't know if we'd get many. But I guess our yard said everything but "Come get some fucking candy". I even brought the big house stereo speakers out to play booming horror movie soundtracks.We had parents taking pictures of the house and one of us would jump out and scare the older kids, regular Halloween shit. At the end of the night we had a couple kids come back just to see if they could hang out, and you should have seen all the kids riding their bikes past the house the next day. Was kinda funny.

My hubby went back and forth, as he does every year, saying he's not dressing up and getting mad about it, but we always find something for him at the last minute. Unfortunately this year, my costume was the same way, very last minute and very bad. I was trying for a Wolfman look, but just ended up looking like a retard. My best Dyke friends from my hometown came down to help celebrate, as Halloween is also my birthday. We made the mistake of going out the night before, so by the time trick or treating was done with, and I looked at my stupid costume, and started feeling like shit from drinking too much the night before, I said screw it, I'm staying home for the night. Thus straying from my yearly downtown Halloween shenanigans.

All in all, Halloween was awesome cause of the trick or treaters, but as a birthday it was pretty lame. I'm just glad I got to spend it with a couple of people who give a shit about me, so I guess that's all that rilly matters now, huh?

The Big Lezbowski

She's a dyke, so I don't know if that's a costume or her regular wardrobe?


Wednesday, October 29, 2008


Ok, no more. JP I'm with you, operation mustache under way. At least that will help out my Halloween costume a little as Dr. Jeckyl.

And speaking of, it's always nice to have your birthday on a really fun holiday, as not to get depressed at aging another digit. I was trying to remember how old I was going to be the other day, as us gays tend to not pay attention after 21, as nothing really important happens after that. Well, except for insurance going down at fucking time. Turns out, after counting on my fingers, it's year 27.

So anyhoo, gonna dress up, get my step-son all spooked out as Jason, sent them out and about and stick around the house to see if I get any trick or treaters. have a couple dyke friends coming to visit so I will be downtown after T or T'ing is over to get utterly shitfaced.

What's everyone else doing?

Monday, October 27, 2008


It will probably turn into Operation Dusche here in a few days.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Life on the shitter

What a crap week. I had a co-worker get her lazy ass fired on Monday, basically for not doing any of her work for a few weeks. Seems that pregnant women shouldn't be expected to do anything but eat and bitch and moan and show pictures of their sonograms. So said work got shoved over to me, and I'm still getting my regular workload, which has also grown since my department went from 5 people down to me and another girl......who is new and doesn't get the tough orders. So, this week, I haven't been able to get up and walk around and do stuff once every 30-45 minutes like usual. I feel like that bitch in Kansas who sat on the toilet for two years and her fat asscheeks grew around the lid. I really dont feel like sawing a glory hole on the bottom of my swivle chair either, although if I must I will. Anyhow, that being said, I can now totally relate to the people who cut the fetuses out of pregnant bitches and leave the mom to become a carcass. Not really, but we're going for drama here now aren't we?

Monday, July 28, 2008

Don't be snitching about your snatching!

Old people sayings are friggin' funny. Just a few minutes ago, a hundred year old lady five cubicles down said "I was scratching my craw trying to figure that out!" Of course, from 5 cubicles down, the word craw sounded like "crotch" so you can imagine. That is all.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

I'm Luvin' It

So I have a McDonalds right down the street from my house. I thought it might be a problem having one so close to me when we first moved to our new house, but save for a few hungover sausage egg biscuit mornings, I think I've taken the kids there once for lunch. Not too bad in over 3 months.

Across the street from my house is also a park. So lot's of people eat their McDonalds on the picnic tables in the nice. But I've noticed something quite strange recently. When I get home from work from my regular 9-5, I can usually see people parked across the street from my house, down the street from Mickey D's, far away from the picnic tables having Big Mac attacks in their cars. One said person usually shows up at the same time everyday, to park, scarf, and drive off.

Could it be, that people get off work, go eat a number 4, and then go home for supper? If this is the case all I can say are a fucking God to me.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

I thought I was retarded

On the phone at work. On hold for the 5th time. Trying to get a password reset, that was reset yesterday for no good reason. Muzak is playing in my ear, it sounds like a Geisha girl and a Dutch girl should be dancing together to it. I hate the Dutch.....

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Toilet Humor

Random, yes, but funny.

I was leaving the men's lavoratory this afternoon at work, and right as I swung open the door someone in one of the toilet stalls ripped a big huge fart. There was a lady walking by at that same moment and she turned and looked towards me with a look of horror. Like I had flung open the door, was wearing a hockey mask and revving a chainsaw.

And that Ladies and Fags, is why farts are hysterical.

Monday, March 31, 2008

KYLIE DAY!!!!!!!

I am so excited for tomorrow, as Kylie X is finally being released in America. Why I'm excited, I don't know, as I've downloaded the whole thing a while back and have listened to it every day since. Oh well, she's showing her love to the Yankees by giving us a US only bonus track...WEEEEEE! HAPPY KYLIE DAY YALLS!

Monday, March 24, 2008


Easter Sunday has come and gone. Wasn't anything too special, as I had to work my second job at Blockbuster, and no.....the Ten Commandments staring Charlton Heston was not in stock, but yes......we did have the animated version featuring the voice of Christian Slater. Same strange Dogma, with less aftertaste.

So needless to say, didn't get to make the 2 hr trip up to my folks place to see the fam. Church, egg hunt, ham, chat, drive home to Omaha....didn't happen this year. Obviosly didn't miss the church part, although the last time I was there the pastor introduced himself to me, and I introduced myself..........and my partner Tom. Don't know if it was just me, but I could swear I was glared at from the pulpit durring the sermon. Anyhow, that being said, I look forward to revisiting church. It's not that I want to shove my sexualty down anyone's throat at church, but I can't lie in the house of God either. So a spade is a spade, or in this case, a fag is a fag.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

The Roaming Gnome

This is seriously the coolest story I've heard in forever. People are reporting sightings of creepy Gnome who walks around the streets of a town in Argentina in the middle of the night. Here's a link to an actual cell phone video of this mystical creature!

HA HA HA! OK, if I was a little person I would be doing this EVERY SINGLE DAY. I would go so far as to say that I might even try to make a living out of it, chasing after people yelling "Where's my gold?!" Scaring groups of children at night, making adolescent boys scream like chicks and sending them to the hospital by scaring them so bad, like the little puss puss in this video. I think it's hysterical.

I'm not laughing at small people. Not that I think most would give a crap if I was, considering anybody can pretty much just laugh back at me all the same. Considering the public's fascination with the smaller folk lately with all the reality shows, Mini Me's, Leprechaun sequels, let alone midget porn, I'd say they have finally been able to find a respectable niche.

Back in the day (don't ask me for a specific day cause I can't remember having read this info quite a while ago, people of wealth and stature used to collect small people to be a part of their entourage as a status symbol. It even got to the point to where when supply could not be met, people found ways of making their own by submerging small children in barrels of gin and depriving them of food.

I don't know where I'm going with this, other than probably further down the P.C. spiral. But please, dont get SHORT, I'm only having a LITTLE fun.


Heat's Hot Spot: The Sequel

We all know that sequels rarely, if ever, stand up against the original that came before. Well, at least in movies, let's see about blogs.

Returning to play the role that garnered him instant fame and fortune is my favorite artist of all time, Me. But what is this? A new setting? A new supporting cast? Oh God, please tell me that there will at least be a few cameos by some familiar fagotty faces that we so loved in part one!

Kids, the budget is small and some of the original actors have gone on to greener (or browner....ewww) pastures. Hey, considering our first venture last ended over two years ago, I think our valiant hero has fared quite well (even though he's like a million times fatter).

So anycow, the show of absolute ridiculousness and rowdy hi jinx continues.........

(this was all supposed to read like the beginning of star wars, so just try to imagine. If you don't want to, than you're gay.)