The Family Portrait

OK, so, back towards the end of October I receive the following email from my Mom that was sent to both me and my older sister who live here in Omaha:

Hey Kids,

Since this year is our 40th wedding anniversary, Dad and I would like to have a family picture taken. As it stands, we are scheduled with Michael's at 2:oo PM on November 21. It will be a casual picture, maybe even out here with a couple of the horses if the weather will cooperate. Jon, I sure hope you can arrange your work schedule for this. Please let me know as soon as possible, because if you cannot arrange it, we won't be doing the picture.

Please let me know as soon as you can if this will work for all of you.

Love you much,

Mom

I hate family pictures....with a passion. No, I don't hate pictures of my family, dear reader, I hate family pictures. The kind where some asshole tells you where to position your hands, how to stand, and who to stand by and affectionately position your hands on. I'ts all just retarded.



I think the last time we had a family picture taken, I was young enough that I was starting to grow some grass on the feild, but the hose hadn't been turned on yet. I know that neither of my 2 sisters had been married (or divorced) yet, and I only had one nephew (of which I have 6 neices and nephews now). I know that Mom had the barnyard fantasy of having pictures taken with the farm animals back then as well, but for one reason or another she was either veto'd (I highly doubt) or the weather wasn't good enough. But needless to say, the picture that was taken in the studio had the barn elements of hay bales and wooden fence posts.

My oldest sister Jody was the only one of us who rejected the whole idea of "country western" dress and showed up looking snazzy in a simple sweater ensamble. My other sister Heather looked good wearing something a sensible dark blouse and black jean combo that looked like it could be worn to "The Sugar Shack Saloon" and then to church the next morning, and her 2 year old son looked adorable in overalls. My folks look nice when they get dressed up in their garb of western shirts, jeans and boots, probably because they really enjoy all of that and the comfort they have with it really comes through.......But then there was me.

I looked like the aborted fetus of Garth Brooks. This was the unfortunate time in the 90's when Brooks and Dunn were shaking up the country music industry with their Wild and Crazy Western Shirts!

"Holy shit man! Lookit that shirt! It's got flames on it! That wild and crazy shirt has flames on it!"

"WOAH! A western shirt that looks like the Texas Flag?!?! No Fuggin' way, man!"



Besides that, and the fact that the fricking photographer made me button every button on the shirt all the way up the collar, I was a fat ass little 13 year old that could barely fit into the new (and never worn before or since) western shirt. Well, I had the fat squeezed into your clothes look that Garth Brooks used to rock, so I guess I had that down. It was just horrible, is all I can say, which is why I'm all paranoid about this picture now.

I take a decent enough picture, but when it counts and you're paying someone to take it for you, they never turn out for me. No, I'm not being too critical. Also with the fact that "casual" to me means freeballing in a pair of pajama pants and an undershirt is totally different than what my Mom's version of casual is, it's got me wracking my brain as to what I should wear for this thing. I don't think I'd show up underdressed, but run the risk of trying to look too sharp (i.e. gay as Little Richard at a picnic). I guess we'll just have to wait and see.




Plus I love the whole "If you can't make it, we won't be doing the picture" pressure. Believe me, I asked for that day off as soon as I recieved this email to relieve that pressure. Well......guess who got scheduled to work all day long that day, lol!!! I kid you not. So with the day 4 days away and me arguing back and forth with my boss for this, it is turning into a little fiasco. Oh, and my car took a complete shit and our "photoshoot" is 2 1/2 hrs away from here. So :-) wish me luck dear reader!


P.S.

This was SO me as a teenager, looks and all.

F13

In honor of one of my favorite movies/holidays......just stay out of the woods, or smoke grass, or say “I’ll be right back”, or listen to hair metal from the 80’s, or wear pastels, or tease your hair, or tease your partner, or try to scare your stupid girlfriend by wearing a mask of a serial killer that used to hack up people in this area 20 years ago, or skinny dip, or sit around a camp fire, or forget your sharp instrument somewhere and go back to look for it, or play drinking games, or have dance-a-thons in the living room of the cabin that you’re renting for the weekend in the deserted country, or cheat on your girlfriend, or cheat on your boyfriend, or hook up with your girlfriend’s boyfriend, or be a nerd, or make fun of the nerd, or look on the forest floor for your lost wal-mart ear ring, or say “who’s there?”, or try to shake anyone awake, or take a short cut, or wear a white t-shirt while it’s thunder storming and you want to take a walk.



Ok, I’m done…..If you don’t make it, not my fault.



Alice: The boy... is he dead, too?
Tierney: Who?
Alice: The boy. Jason.
Tierney: Jason?
Alice: In the lake, the one... the one who attacked me... the one who pulled me underneath the water.
Tierney: Ma'am, we didn't find any boy.
Alice: But... then he's still out there.



Crazy Ralph: Doomed! You're all doomed!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pamela Voorhees: You see, Jason was my son, and today is his birthday...

Countdown to Kylie: 2 days

And we have lift off......




My adventure starts in a couple of hours as I get on my flight! and I got the Minogue on the brain.....

Please fasten your seat belts
My name is Kylie,
I'll be your purser
The exits are in the front and the rear of the craft

Thank you for flying KM air
We hope had a pleasant flight
Please fly with us again~~~~~~~Light Years

I'm living in a glass box of emotions!



Not since my addiction to No-Doze have I been this excited!



GO KYLIE GO!




SEE YA WHEN I GET BACK Y'ALL!

Countdown to Kylie: 3 days

Leaving for San Fran tomorrow night after work, where I no doubtedly will end up eating rice a roni while wearing flowers in my hair. Ok not so much. This weekend was a treacherous wait, although I did find a beacon of light......a leaked set list for the concert.

Don't know if it's real or not, but I'm very happy to see every song I want on there.....save for one. One very special song entitled, "Your Disco Needs You!"

This little number is an anthem of sorts, considering it's supposed to sound like an anthem I guess, a national anthem to the gayest place in the universe. And while I'm a little dissapointed to not see it on the list, I'm sort of relieved. You see, my slutty sister JP and I, well, we share this song. My big whore JP and I have choreography to this song. That big ole cum dumpster of a JP and I even sort of know the words that she speaks in French, or Italian, whatever kind you like on your salad. So, I guess I'm happy that it gets to remain at the center of hot dog down a hallway JP's apartment before a night out on the town while pre-drinking. Remember the one time you said you didn't think your disco needed you anymore JP? It's never needed you more........sniff, snot, snort..... :-)

Countdown to Kylie: 6 days

6 more days until one of the biggest events of my entire existance takes place. For those of you that have the absolute honour of knowing me (heh heh), we all know that I'm a little fucking Loney Tunes over this bitch. Never thought she'd tour America, even though she now says she's always wanted to tour the U.S. but has never found an opportunity, she always used to say that she had no interest in bringing her show to the states. Well, even when the tour was announced, I still thought there was no way I'd be able to make any one of the 6 scheduled shows.



Well lo and behold, after a lot of inner turmoil, and the fact that tickets where going so fast that they added more dates, I allowed myself to say "Fuck it kid, make it happen." The closest city she's coming to me is Chicago. Love me some Chi Town, have some friends up there that I haven't seen in forever, but again "Fuck it kid, do it big" says me. So I bought my ticket to the second show of the tour in San Fransisco. Was really gearing towards the very first show of the tour, but obviously that didn't happen. Not too upset about it though, I'd think that if there were going to be any bugs in the performance they would come through and get spotted in the first show anyhow.



in the end, it's all just a concert, but I guess the coolest part about it is that I'm allowing myself to do something like this. Feels like something I'd do in a heartbeat when I was young, dumb, and full of cum....er...I mean 21. I do think that Karma is rewarding me with this. Take it, i can be a really shitty person at times, but for the most part I'm actually not too bad and try my hardest to be there as much as I can for others. So, now that everyone's rolling their eyes at patting myself on the back, I'll wrap it up....

Later Taters!

Janet's Leaking!

I'm totally crapping my britches for the leaked Janet demo (? sounds pretty complete to me) that I heard on the Gay Pimpin with Jonny McGovern show this week. Here's a link to the show, they play the song at about 107:30, give or take.

http://www.mediafly.com/Podcasts/Feeds/Gay_Pimpin_with_Jonny_McGovern#Gay_Pimpin_with_Jonny_McGovern_81809_1

It's Janet exactly the way I like her. She introduces herself like she often does, "Miss Jackson..." Throws a little giggle in at the beginning, and not since "All for you" has she explicitly left a good 20-30 second stretch about 2/3rds into the song for a good choreographed break down. Classic fuckin' Janet. Trying to hear if she's back in the clear with the Jam/Lewis team since her time with Jarmaine Dupri seems to have expired (about 7 years and 3 albums too late).




I was even able to find some teaser art for the new album....HATE IT. But she can look as whacked out as she wants to as long as she can deliver on the tunes. I miss me some good quality Janet, and while there have been a handfull of songs from her last 3, well 2 of the last 3 albums, I'm hoping for a full disc of loveliness like she used to do.

Company emails

So, there's an administrator at the large office in which I work, that lives to send massive emails out to everyone in the company. Just nice little informationals or reminders. Well, this is what was sent out today:

Someone left a large tube of Triple Antibiotic Ointment in the Upper Level Men Restroom. Please come and claim this as soon as possible.



Thank you.

One after one, you could hear the snickers, the repulsive gagging, and the whoops and hollers from up and down the endless rows of cubicles. Most of the time this guy's lost and found emails include earings, gloves, or even at one point in time, a pen. Go figure, in an office.

Well, about 15 minutes later, I receive another email. This time from a guy I know that works down the hall, but rarely talk to other than a quick "howdy" as we pass each other in the hall (and no, we really don't say Howdy".

Someone left a large tube of Cock Lube in the Upper Level Men Restroom. Please come and claim this as soon as possible.



Thank you.



penis


Come to find out, there's a bunch of employees that poke fun at every one of these emails this way. And now I know about it, which really only means that I now have another reason to get shitcanned if I ever get caught distributing these kinds of emails. I can't help it though. Here's one more for good measure:

Attention:



The Fire Alarm is being taken out this afternoon to cut on cost.

And since we have crappy life insurance we don’t care if you all

burn up. In event that the Alarm sounds, please disregard and

stay in your death trap of a cube. You will not be advised if an

actual emergency condition exists.

And ehre I thought everyone who worked here was dead behind the eyes. There's life out there after all!