Friday, April 23, 2010

Week In Revue

Archie comics will be introducing a gay character named, Kevin Keller, in September. I always thought Archie and Jughead were on the down-low with each other in the first place using Betty and Veronica as their beards, while Reggie was always such an asshole cause the boys would never throw him a bone. Principal Weatherbee is off somewhere licking his lips whilst maturbating.

I found out this week that Type O Negative's frontman Peter Steele died from resperatory failure. While not one of my favorite band's of my youth I did have to dig out my copy of Bloody Kisses to pay respects. Peter Steele posed for Playgirl back in the day, and I had thought of posting one of those pics in Memorandum, but felt it creepy looking at a naked dead guy, plus I don't pander to filth (yeah right). Google it if you want and it comes right up, literally.

In other news, I haven't drank in 6 days and my corner store filed for bankrupcy this week. I've been eating like a son of a bitch all week, but still losing weight, which leads me to believe that a.) what I have been drinking is drastically more saturated with sugar and b.) I drink a lot friggin more than I realize. Helping my friend Richard move this weekend but would like to end my streak of sobriety at least one night this weekend out on the town. So hit me up if your out peeps.

If the Golden Girls Were on Twitter

Wednesday, April 21, 2010


Excited as Little Richard at a picnic.

Friday, April 16, 2010

A week in Revue

A week in revue,

On Tuesday morning I found out that an old friend of mine lost 2 of her 4 children in a housefire the night before in my hometown. One of the 2 adults in the home had thrown out a cigarette on the front porch and it ended up rolling under the deck starting some debris on fire. It was really windy out, and once it started the wind basically pushed the fire directly into the house. She was able to get her youngest children out, ages 4 and 6, but could not get to her two oldest Devynn 8 and Sierra 10 who were sleeping on the second floor of the house. I used to watch these two when they were babys. Remember going to the hospital to meet Devynn the day he was born. I know my friend is going to be blaming herself for this for the rest of her life. My heart completely breaks for her and her family, she’s as devoted of a mother as they get.

Do me a favor guys, check your smoke alarms.

On a lighter note, seems that Washington on Thursday night released a statement by Obama instructing the Health and Human Services Department to draft rules requiring federally subsidized hospitals to grant all patients the right to designate people who can visit and consult with them at crucial moments. We’ve all heard horror stories of people’s loved ones dying alone because some places bar homosexual partners from visitation rights. Part of me is happy for this, but in all reality it pisses me off because 1.) something that fucking lame should never have been allowed to happen in the first place, and 2.) Glad that you could finally do something to throw the homosexual community a fucking bone, Obama. I’ve not ever been barred from a former lover’s hospital room in the past and I live in the damn Midwest. Guess something is better than nothing.

Found out today that the Smashing Pumpkins are getting ready to issue the first of 11, 4-song Eps starting next month. I think that this is a cool way of issuing music, as well as the fact that they are listing the full songs for free on the internet at By the end of the day, the first full EP will be available to download for free and both a cd and vynil version will be made available to independent record stores in May. A very cool way to help support the small music retailers still in existance. I’ll be heading down to Drastic Plastic tomorrow so I can Pre-order.

On a personal note, all has been going good for good ole’ Heat. Decided that I’m going to attempt at a month of seclusion, no drinking, hit up some therapy sessions, tan, and start working out like a maniac. Down 15 lbs from 3 months ago, so it's a start. Figured that would be a good attempt at getting some of my finer feelings back.

Be good kids, have a great weekend.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Clay Aiken Exclusive

Amid reports of Ricky Martin coming out of the closet last week, the editors and staff here at Heats Hotter Spot the Sequel's offices have been abuzz in a "What the Kevin Spacey!?" type of stupor. With the likes of Ricky Martin and Sean Haye's being the most recent in a string of waning C list celebrities to come out of the closet amidst once illustrious careers, we decided we needed a hard hitting interview with a veteran of the movement. So we went straight to the top. And when we say top, we mean big nelly bottom. Clay Aiken.

I sat down with Clay yesterday afternoon at an undisclosed location. I was blindfolded as I was driven to Mr. Aiken's secluded hideaway. Once my blindfold was removed, I was revealed to be in a softly candle lit room that faintly smelled of Elizabeth Taylor's "White Diamonds" fragrance. Hello Kitty paraphernalia was abound. I was alone in the room, sitting on one side of a fainting couch. Until, from the shadows emerged our reclusive star.....


Clay Aiken: Why hellos there, Mr. Heat's Hotter Spot the Sequel. I'm so glad that you could join me today. I hope you don't mind my appearence, well, me bein' in my bathrobe and all. I guess I just wanted to be comfortable so I would be able up, so to say. Mind if I sit down here on the couch?

Me: Oh absolutely Mr. Aiken. Please get as comfortable as you need. The feathered collar of your bathrobe certainly brings out the, ah...fluffiness of your hair.

CA: Oh you scoundrel you! I bet you think your gonna sweet talk yourself right through all my secrets, dont you? Well, I've got more secrets than Victoria. You go on ahead and make yourself comfortable as well, go ahead and take your pants off if you'd like!

Me: Well, thank you very much, I think I'm good the way it is. Shall we begin?

CA: Does a chicken have a pecker?


CA: Oh C'mon now you know I'm just Joshin'! A little humour to get the juices flowin'. I like it juicy, do you Mr. Heat's Hotter Spot the Sequel?

Me: Please, call me Jon. First question, what is your recent take on the latest batch of celebrities to come out of the closet?

CA: Well, I'm just glad that I could be the first celebrity to ever come out of the closet. It wasn't easy being a trailblazer. But in time I think that my endeavors will open the door for more and more celebrities to share their true selves with the rest of the world.

Me: Did I hear you right? You said that you're the first celebrity to come out of the clost?

CA: Yes, the very first...

Me: How is that, there is a list of famous gay celebrities that have been out long before you were even a fixture in the media? How do you explain this?

CA: Well I can see that you need a better fact checker, Mr. Heat's Hotter Spot the Sequel!

Me: I said you can call me Jon.

CA: Next question......

Me: Ok, What is your stance on gay celebrities and adoption?

CA: Well, being a biological father myself, I can only hope that the rest of the celebrities that follow in my footsteps can play the role of the man to the tee that I do, for the sake of these kids. Everyone loves a mature and masculine daddy, but we arefew and far in between. Isn't that so true!? You want a popsicle? I have Bomb Pops? A whole freezer full in the cellar.

Me: No thanks.

CA: Are you sure? We can play "How far can you swallow it"!

Me: No, Ms., I mean Mr. Aiken.

CA: WHAT!?!? How very very dare you. It's one night with me and your ass will be Aiken.

Me: I am so very sorry, I accidentally slipped in the wrong note card for my next interview. Um, Mr. Aiken.... your bathrobe, it's slipped a little. Looks like Victoria's showing her secret.

CA: Oh it was no accident Mr. Heat's Hotter Spot the Sequel. I just wanted to give a little something for your....peice. Did you know that I'm a insatiable dick hungry cock monster?

Me: OK, Gayken, this interview is over. I'm gone.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Hoppity, Hop Hop

Well, Easter weekend has come and gone. I was going to go home to see my family, but my Mom ended up being scheduled at her new job over the weekend, so just said screw it and stayed home. I'm really glad that I did, because I had a lot of fun and got to catch up with a ton of people, some that I haven't seen for a while and then others that I love seeing given any opportunity.

Upon hearing that I wasn't coming home as planned, my baby mama Karissa decided that she would come down to visit me instead. We ended up taking her sister Kylie to my old bar Flixx for the Miss Flixx pageant. It was her first drag show and she was taking as many pictures as an Asian on vacation. (Don't you just love stereotypes?) She was even able to get an up close and personal shot with my former boss, Erica Joy, who in her typical fashion was wearing almost absolutely nothing. Where the penis is is anyone's guess. From there we did some marathon dancing at the Max until closing time. I started out the night feeling kind of "Blah" but ended up not wanting it to end at all.

Before Karissa left town the next day, we ended up stopping at Hooters for lunch, as neither of us had ever been there. I was slightly horrified until I got my wings as I needed to sopp up the previous night's beer consumption. We goofed on the waitresses, one of which who looked like she was pushing her Hooters expiration date and another with a Joan Jett circa '87 hair do. Kylie Minogue's Locomotion even came on, making me want to start a train right there. Which is ironic, as my friend Ray-Ray puts it as her music is being played at Hooters and she being a breast cancer survivor.

Anyhow, Karissa leaves, which actually bummed me out quite a bit. We don't get to see each other nearly as I'd like and walking back into the apartment by myself kind of gave me the blues after all that fun. Ended up staying in for the rest of Saturday working on some artwork for an insanely long time for what I'm used to putting in.

Easter was good, did the gay church thing and was invited to Easter dinner at my friendss Stan and Scott's place. It was a nice suprise and everything was so delicious. Especially dessert, I ended up having to have two helpings. Talk about double trouble. They definately know how to make a guest feel welcome. If you read this, thanks again guys.

While expecting a quiet and early night on the sofa, Miss Schwa texted wanting to head over to JP's for a few beers. After royally twisting my arm, I obliged for his sake. We all met up, and again, I started out feeling kind of "Blah" expecting to stick around for one or two once we got to the bar. But as these things usually go, ended up closing up the place. While I was able to fend of the shot monsters for the first round, I ended up with about four jeggar shots down when all was said and done. Amazingly enough, I wasn't a big sloppy mess (probaly all that good Easter dinner in my stomach yet), walked home without incident, got to bed and started it all over come 6 a.m. Was a very lovely weekend and I appreciate all involved. :-)

Cheers Kids: Karissa, Kylie, Paul, Chris, Alison, Sarah, Scott, Stan, Bean, Steve-o, Erica, Joshie poo, Philson, Courtney, Smay, Jonna, Dennis, Mikey

Thursday, April 1, 2010

April Fools

I just sent this email to my parents for April fools day. I always pull stuff on them, so I’m sure they’ve already got their armor on. Lets just hope this one sneaks under the wire……. (Thanks for being my unknowing/unwilling participants Kendra and Karissa)

To: Mom

From: Jon

Subject: Announcement from Jon.

Mom and Dad,

I have some very special news that I hope makes you happy. The Ellwanger family is going to be growing by 2. I'm going to be a real daddy!

You remember my lesbian friend Karissa? She's been down on her luck as of late, beings that she broke up with her partner and moved back to Nebraska from Denver. When she was with her partner, Kendra, we had always talked about having a kid between us three, with Karissa being the birthmother and me being the donor. They would have had full custody of the little one, and I would be involved anytime I was able. Their breakup obviously put a curb in these plans.

A few months ago Karissa and I had talked some more about this and decided to still make a go for it. I know it may be a little too much information, but we decided to forgo insemination and decided to try it the good old fashioned way to save on cost. After a few attempts, it happened. We just found out yesterday that not only are we having one child, but she's carrying twins! Dad, looks like I got your twin genes, lol. Hopefully they're identical, but either way, I'm still going to dress them up in matching little outfits.

Oh, by the way, if you forgot that today is April Fools day then good, that means I got ya. So quit grabbing at your chest. If you did remember and read right through this.....dammit.

Love you,


*******Update from Mother-Dear**********

YOU BIG TURD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We were just talking with Maria last night about your April Fool's day pranks! this, by far, is the biggest one you ever pulled off in your entire life! I am still laughing about how good you got me. Can't wait to show this to your Dad when he gets home. Hope I can keep a straight face so he will be pranked as well. You are so BAD! By the way, you know we would love and accept a grandchild from you with open arms no matter what.

I love you my crazy son,