Amid reports of Ricky Martin coming out of the closet last week, the editors and staff here at Heats Hotter Spot the Sequel's offices have been abuzz in a "What the Kevin Spacey!?" type of stupor. With the likes of Ricky Martin and Sean Haye's being the most recent in a string of waning C list celebrities to come out of the closet amidst once illustrious careers, we decided we needed a hard hitting interview with a veteran of the movement. So we went straight to the top. And when we say top, we mean big nelly bottom. Clay Aiken.
I sat down with Clay yesterday afternoon at an undisclosed location. I was blindfolded as I was driven to Mr. Aiken's secluded hideaway. Once my blindfold was removed, I was revealed to be in a softly candle lit room that faintly smelled of Elizabeth Taylor's "White Diamonds" fragrance. Hello Kitty paraphernalia was abound. I was alone in the room, sitting on one side of a fainting couch. Until, from the shadows emerged our reclusive star.....
Clay Aiken: Why hellos there, Mr. Heat's Hotter Spot the Sequel. I'm so glad that you could join me today. I hope you don't mind my appearence, well, me bein' in my bathrobe and all. I guess I just wanted to be comfortable so I would be able to....open up, so to say. Mind if I sit down here on the couch?
Me: Oh absolutely Mr. Aiken. Please get as comfortable as you need. The feathered collar of your bathrobe certainly brings out the, ah...fluffiness of your hair.
CA: Oh you scoundrel you! I bet you think your gonna sweet talk yourself right through all my secrets, dont you? Well, I've got more secrets than Victoria. You go on ahead and make yourself comfortable as well, go ahead and take your pants off if you'd like!
Me: Well, thank you very much, I think I'm good the way it is. Shall we begin?
CA: Does a chicken have a pecker?
CA: Oh C'mon now you know I'm just Joshin'! A little humour to get the juices flowin'. I like it juicy, do you Mr. Heat's Hotter Spot the Sequel?
Me: Please, call me Jon. First question, what is your recent take on the latest batch of celebrities to come out of the closet?
CA: Well, I'm just glad that I could be the first celebrity to ever come out of the closet. It wasn't easy being a trailblazer. But in time I think that my endeavors will open the door for more and more celebrities to share their true selves with the rest of the world.
Me: Did I hear you right? You said that you're the first celebrity to come out of the clost?
CA: Yes, the very first...
Me: How is that, there is a list of famous gay celebrities that have been out long before you were even a fixture in the media? How do you explain this?
CA: Well I can see that you need a better fact checker, Mr. Heat's Hotter Spot the Sequel!
Me: I said you can call me Jon.
CA: Next question......
Me: Ok, What is your stance on gay celebrities and adoption?
CA: Well, being a biological father myself, I can only hope that the rest of the celebrities that follow in my footsteps can play the role of the man to the tee that I do, for the sake of these kids. Everyone loves a mature and masculine daddy, but we arefew and far in between. Isn't that so true!? You want a popsicle? I have Bomb Pops? A whole freezer full in the cellar.
Me: No thanks.
CA: Are you sure? We can play "How far can you swallow it"!
Me: No, Ms. Lang....er, I mean Mr. Aiken.
CA: WHAT!?!? How very very dare you. It's Aiken...like one night with me and your ass will be Aiken.
Me: I am so very sorry, I accidentally slipped in the wrong note card for my next interview. Um, Mr. Aiken.... your bathrobe, it's slipped a little. Looks like Victoria's showing her secret.
CA: Oh it was no accident Mr. Heat's Hotter Spot the Sequel. I just wanted to give a little something for your....peice. Did you know that I'm a insatiable dick hungry cock monster?
Me: OK, Gayken, this interview is over. I'm gone.