Monday, May 24, 2010

They tried to make me go to rehab but I said No No No

My ex gets out of rehab today. Hope that it was a good experience and that he didn’t do it just to go through the motions. He’s actually a pretty cool guy, just a lot of bullshit thrown his way over the years. I can relate, and maybee that’s how we connected at a time. Haven’t seen him in 30 days, only talked to him a few times within that period, a couple phone calls and a few letters. A part of me misses him a bit, but for the most part I’m glad to have had a break from the Tom and Jon show. I don’t want to live the life we had anymore. Although, I miss my step-kids dearly. But I think that enough time has passed that they probably are over me not being around, don’t want to show up again out of the blue and reopen things. They know I love them, that’s all I need, really.

I’m a little nervous about today, Tom getting out and what he’s going to do. I don’t want to care anymore, but a part of me still does. After all that’s happened over the years, I shouldn’t. But I love being the glutton of my own punishment I guess. And I still love him in a lot of ways and really want to see the best in him again. I’ve been doing some radical changing myself though within the last month, physically and internally, to the point where I don’t think he’d know me anymore. And I think I did that on purpose. I guess I want to make him not love me anymore so I don’t feel so bad about my own feelings. I feel guilted, and don’t really deal with that very constructively.

Anyhow, that’s all I got for today. A little hopefull, a little sad, a little somthin’ I don’t know. Love ya guys.


A Lewis said...

We ALWAYS matter what...that's what makes us human and beautiful human beings. I've had a ton of family and friends in rehab throughout the years -- when they are ready to stop, they will. That's as simple as it is. I have all appropriate body parts crossed for his recovery and your sanity.

Lorraine said...

I love you.