Friday, June 11, 2010

Completely Obsessed

The Real Housewives of New York City. Jill. Bethany. Ramona. Alex. Kelly. LuAnn. And sometimes Sonja.

What do I say? Other than, I apologize for not paying attention to you before this season.

Jill, you are my favorite. You are the one of the biggest bitches on the planet, and I admire that. As you put it, you’re “A New York Bitch”. I want to call myself an Omaha Bitch, but for some reason it doesn’t carry the same ‘zing’. I think you’re also the prettiest of the group, and I also think that is why all of the other girls pick on you and make you cry those tough as nails tears. Jill Zarin! I’d buy fabric from you and Bobby anyday! If I could afford it and had any use for fabric.
Favorite Quote of the season: “You told me ta getta hobbieeee, whell I ghotta hobbiieeee. It’s my hausbahhhnd, Baaaaaaa-Biieeee!”

Beth, you’re also a mega-bitch, but in a totally different way. You’re sneaky. To tell you the truth, I like it when you cry. And now that you have your own spin off show where they show your pregnant ass being all pregnant, I look forward to seeing you cry even more. Those tears might soften that cement face of yours. And how did you get a spin off? Sure that baby is Jason’s. OOOOOOO, that’s right, I went there!
Favorite Quote of the season: (referring to a fight with Kelly) “I’m done trying to explain things to Miss……..Cook-a-doodle-doo!”

Ramona, your eyeballs freak me out more than anything. And that’s saying a lot cause your personality is so damn weird. You’ve got the brain of a 13 year old girl on a cocaine binge. Your best saving grace, you’re pushing 60 and you look fantastic. And the fact that you’ve basically got a Pinot Grigio IV drip.
Favorite Quote of the season: (to Bethany) “You’ve screwed things up with Jill, you’ve screwed things up with everyone else. All you have is Jason, and I bet you’ll screw that up too.” (editor’s note: Uh-Uh she didn’t!!!!)

Alex, YOUR HUSBAND IS THE GAYEST WAD IN NYC. And you need to quit acting like a damn baby. The end.
Favorite Quote of the season: “I have a message for you Jill…….(interrupted cause no one cares) Jill, the message is……(inturrupted again cause, still, no one cares) Jill, the message that I need to give you is from Bethany (inturrupted about 7 more times, breaks out in hives, and after about 15 minutes gets to squeeze in) Bethany doesn’t want to have anything to do with you and never wants to see you again!”

Kelly, you dumb shit. You big dumb shit. You haven’t ever made sense to me, not once. You don’t really drink, you don’t really do a ton of back stabbing, yet you are the craziest one on this show. I hate you, Kelly.
Favorite Quote of the season: “Okay well, I guess I’m going to go back to my own little world of jelly beans and cartwheels where people are nice to each other” of which Ramona retorts “Okay honey we’ll see you in a little bit.”

LuAnn, you’re right, Money can’t buy you class. But it can pay for a producer to help you pen and record an awful song sans Autotune. It can also help you pay for sex reassignment surgery, and you’ve either had it, or you need it. One of the two. I kind of like you, wiener woman.
Best Quote of the season: Her opening line on every show, “I’ve never felt bad for being Privileged.” That’s why you’re privileged you fuckin’ dummy!

Sonja, nice DUI last week. You’re not that important yet until you go fulltime next season, so that’s all you get on my damn blog.

In closing, Jill Zerin, I love you Jill Zerin. Come back next season. I’ve only just found you, please don’t go away. Bethany won’t be back so there’s no reason to be upset. Until then, I’ll read your blog every day. And you need to take me out to lunch and shopping sometime. Bye hon!

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